Kids, divorce, and school success

It's best to keep the focus on the kids, and leave parents' egos aside to help kids achieve success in school. Here are some tips to help.

Going through a divorce can be a painful process for everyone involved. Children often feel caught in the middle, and the stress can affect their performance in school. But it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Experts and parents who have been there say that with good communication, effective planning, heightened awareness of problems that might arise, and time to iron out the difficulties, families can emerge with positive, supportive relationships and kids can be successful in school, too.

Keep the focus on the child

Family counselors, authors, parents and even the kids who’ve been through it agree: The main thing is to focus on what’s best for the child. They provide us with a wealth of tips for helping divorced families cope and helping their kids achieve academic success.
“When there’s a divorce, it can feel like your whole world is crashing in,” says Mary Lynn Crow, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of education at the University of Texas at Arlington. She sees a tendency for divorced parents to focus on survival first because of the intense turmoil and fears that a divorce can cause. “But maintaining support for the child,” she adds, “gives parents something positive to focus on. Sometimes that can help to ease the strain of divorce as well as benefit the child.”

“Just as there are good and bad marriages, so there are good and bad divorces,” says Marian Wilde, a senior editor at GreatSchools and a divorced parent. “In a good divorce, parents can continue to co-parent and communicate with each other. Much of what divorced parents need to communicate about is logistical: Who has homework? When is it due? Who needs a permission slip signed? It can be tough the first year of divorce when parents are focused on creating arrangements and dealing with lawyers. But it’s important to be aware of what’s happening with your child.” She adds that with good communication, family relations do get better over time. “Things tend to mellow out,” she says.

Make a plan — for homework, after-school activities, and college costs

Effective planning is key to lessening conflict, making sure everyone is in agreement about expectations and helping your child focus on school. The more that can be clearly laid out the better — that includes communication with teachers, household policies on homework and TV, who will attend school functions, and even what kids should wear to school.

“For younger kids, they should agree on the same homework procedures down to the details. For example, when the child gets home from school, will she have snack, then playtime and then do homework or will she do her homework first? It’s better if both parents can agree on the same routine,” says Crow. She suggests parents come to an agreement about after-school activities, too — how many activities the kids will do, who will pay for what and how school performance and concerns will affect after-school activities. She adds, “It’s key that parents sit down together, if they can, and draw up these procedures. If necessary, they should hire a mediator to help devise a plan they can agree on.”

Risa Garon, author of Stop! In the Name of Love for Your Children: A Guide to Healthy Divorce and executive director of the National Family Resiliency Center in Rockville, Maryland, advises parents to agree on academic concerns for older kids, too, and plan accordingly. Do both parents agree that the child should go to college? Can they agree on a range of costs and what each parent is willing to pay for tuition? They should agree on what courses the child should take in high school to prepare for college. They should agree on what types of colleges the child will consider and who will take the child to visit colleges, and whoever accompanies the child should agree to report back to the other parent.

Have consistent rules and provide support

“It’s important to have consistent rules, have expectations and provide support,” says Crow. “There can be a tendency for divorced parents to be permissive, to think, ‘Well, he’s had so much stress, I’ll just do his homework for him or I won’t check to see if he is getting and doing his homework.’ That is a mistake,” says Crow. Garon adds that it’s important for kids going through a divorce to have discipline. “Consistency in parental expectations and discipline provides security and structure,” she says.

Think of the other parent as your business partner

“Parents need to communicate as co-parents. Think of being a co-parent like being a business partner. This will take emotion out of the equation,” says Garon. She suggests that parents agree to communicate once a week and always away from the child. They should agree ahead of time about the topics of the conversation and keep their focus on what is going to help their child be successful in school. Keep the conversation short, respectful, and keep blaming and judging out of the dialogue.

“Most parenting agreements are about how much time the child will have with each parent, and where the child will be for holidays,” she notes. “But it is more important to focus on what the needs of the child are, rather than time spent with each parent. Focusing in this way can help to take away anger as part of the conversation.” For example, if a child has a science project due, discuss the logistics of how it is going to get done. If the child will be with one parent for three days, then that parent should inform the other parent where the child is on the project and make sure the child has everything he needs to complete his assignment when he is with the other parent.

“When you have a conversation about your child and school, it should be as two parents talking about their child rather than as two ex-spouses talking to one another,” says one child, now in his 20s, about his parents’ divorce. “And the focus should be proactive rather than reactive.”

“Parents should act like adults in front of their children,” says a young woman, now in college, about her parents’ divorce. “I remember having hurt feelings when I would hear my parents fighting on the telephone. I would feel especially bad for my dad, and it would turn me against my mom and make me feel bitter.”

Figure out how your child’s time will be divided

Unless there is a family history of violence or abuse, says Crow, children need to spend time with both of their parents. In joint custody arrangements, the key is coming up with a schedule that allows kids to spend significant time with each parent without creating too many unnecessary transitions for the child. Jennifer Lewis and William Sammons, authors of Don’t Divorce Your Children, advise having blocks of time with the child. They advise consulting friends who have been through divorce to find out what works and keeping the plan flexible or agreeing to an initial trial schedule that can be reevaluated after six months or a year.

One creative solution that has worked for some parents is the “nesting” arrangement, where the children stay in the primary household, and the parents take turns going back and forth to a separate residence.

“I don’t think that there is any one solution that is best in all situations,” says Wilde. “Some parents believe that the kids should have one primary residence and see their other parent for dinner once or twice during the week and then have sleepovers once a week, usually on the weekend. This works well if the parents live close enough. What you gain in cutting back on transitions, you lose in the child feeling that there’s no primary residence. It all depends on what the kids want, too. If they’re too young to know, then the parents should think about what is best for the kids.”

It’s a good idea to make sure the child has an organized way for transporting things from one house to the other, including important schoolwork, homework assignments, materials needed to complete assignments. Both parents should be aware of student schedules including when assignments are due, extracurricular activities, emergency procedures, so that there will be no surprises and stress will be greatly reduced. Agree ahead of time on parental responsibilities around assignments. Avoid putting your child in the middle by saying things like, “Get your father to help you with that.”

The schedule should have clear expectations but in the best situation, allow for flexibility. One child of divorce suggests that schedules can be kept flexible and problems avoided, if parents communicate via email and keep a central calendar, for example, on Google Calendar on the Internet. This young man suggests that both parents can mark important school dates and other events. Parents should plan to have a conversation once a month, he says, to discuss their child and answer the question, “How is he doing in school?” They shouldn’t wait for report cards to come out to discuss his progress.

Wilde suggests that if a child has a computer at both homes, she should email drafts of a paper or project to her own email address. That way, she can always access her work at either home and avoid the frustration of not having the latest version with her.

Rethink the schedule as your child grows

As kids grow and activities change, parents should take another look at the schedule and decide what is best for the child. “Even a satisfactory schedule requires some flexibility to respond to immediate crises or the acute needs of an individual child, ” authors Lewis and Sammons write in Don’t Divorce Your Children. “We would advise that every separation or divorce agreement should provide a simple mechanism for changing the schedule, or else, as happens in too many families, the schedule becomes a straightjacket resented by the children and one or both parents.”

Lexine Alpert, a San Francisco Bay Area divorced mom, advises that as the child gets older, he should be allowed to weigh in on the schedule, too. It should take into account his activities and his need to be in the home where he can see his peers, practice the piano or work on a paper on the computer.

Get both parents in the communication loop

Unless there is a legal reason not to, most experts agree that both parents should be listed as emergency contacts on school forms. When possible, both parents should receive communication from the school, including report cards and notices of important events. Parents should take responsibility to stay informed, and both parents should also be sure the other parent is in the communication loop.

“Parents may need to take an active role to work with the school to become an accepting place for all kinds of families,” says Wilde. “Teachers need to be brought along. They shouldn’t just talk about one type of family as the norm. It’s better if they can say, ‘Look at the wide variety of families we have and that’s OK.'” Garon advises school personnel to avoid terms like “broken homes” and focus instead on family strengths.

Jerry Hill, a California divorced dad, county supervisor and founder of the Fatherhood Collaborative of San Mateo County, offers this advice specifically to divorced dads: “It’s important to go to school on the first day. Talk with the teacher and let her know your goal is to be an equal parent, that you want to be included in all discussions and problems that may arise. Volunteer at school. It’s OK for a dad to be a room mom. It’s a good experience.”
“Parents need to understand a school’s communication cycle, how the teacher communicates and plug into it,” says Debra Collins, a San Francisco-based licensed marriage and family therapist. “The teacher is more likely to contact both parents if they know both parents. Teachers tend to favor moms so be aware of that. Dads need to raise the flag and say, ‘I am here, too. How do I stay involved?'”

“I think it’s better if both parents are equally involved at school,” said one young woman, now 18 years old and a college student. In her family, only her mother was involved at school, and she spent one or two days a week with her dad.

Erratic behavior from a parent — whether divorced or not — can be confusing for the child. One divorced mom, who asked that her name not be used, said that her ex-husband showed up unannounced at a parent-teacher conference. “When my ex did that, my son’s reaction was, ‘What is he doing here?’ It made him feel more uncomfortable than having him not be involved at all.”

Watch your child for warning signs

Parents should be on the alert for changes in their child’s behavior. These can be signs that the stress of divorce is taking a toll. Collins advises parents to be proactive and expect that there will be difficulties along the way. “Don’t wait until your child shows symptoms. Be proactive,” she says.

“Look for warning signs that stress levels may be affecting performance — changes in temper, sleeping or eating,” says Crow. “Does your child lock himself in his room? Is he spending too much time on the computer? Are his grades changing? It’s a sign other behaviors are changing, too.” She advises talking to the child, reading books about divorce written for kids and getting help from a counselor or support group if necessary.

Doing exceedingly well in school can be a sign of problems too. Garon adds, “Be aware of a child who is getting all A’s but isn’t doing anything else.” This can be an indication that the child is burying himself in his schoolwork to the exclusion of everything else, and that’s not necessarily healthy either. “Often parents are not sure when it comes to behavior what is divorce-related and what is not,” she notes. “When in doubt, parents should not hesitate to reach out for help and get their child assessed by a child psychologist or counselor. It’s a sign of health and strength to reach for support when it’s needed.”

Alpert advises parents to work closely with their child’s teachers and to trust their advice. It’s difficult if teachers suggest tutoring or extra help and one parent disagrees. “You have to move away from your ideas and opinions and defer to them,” she notes.

Think about how to handle parent-teacher conferences

Whenever possible, it’s best if both parents who take an active role in their child’s education attend the parent-teacher conference together. That way what one parent hears, the other parent hears, too, and at the same time. If the relationship is too contentious or logistics make it impossible, then separate conferences at the very least keep both parents involved.
Stay in touch even when a parent lives far away

Regardless of distance, it’s important to communicate regularly about the child’s progress in school. With email, a parent far away can communicate with the school and the teacher to stay informed. A parent far away can request to have school information sent separately. When there’s regular communication, there will be fewer surprises and less to argue about as issues arise. “It’s very tough to be a parent from a distance,” says Crow. “The custodial parent should take it as her responsibility to see that the noncustodial parent is informed about what is happening in school. Have a telephone conference with both parents and teacher if necessary.”

“Just because there is distance doesn’t mean one parent doesn’t need to be involved,” notes Garon. “The parent who is far away should try to have consistent communication with the school and the teachers, and should take responsibility for making an effort to show up when there is a significant event at the school. Kids create mental pictures and remember when parents make an effort, put their differences aside and come together for their sake.”

Source: https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/kids-divorce-and-school-success/

Divorce From Your Child’s Eyes

While going through a divorce, parents should stop and think of what things must look like from their child’s point of view.

Not only will this give the parents a whole new perspective on things, but it will also help them to minimize the fighting at home.

The damage done on a child (while they witness their parents divorcing) can be devastating, and can also stay with them throughout their entire lives. Even if you elect for an online divorce or a divorce recourse, which often minimizes the arguments and discord, there will still be tense moments and in-person fighting.

In fact, many children who witness their parents fighting or lying to each other, will have trust issues for a very long time, unless they start seeing a therapist.

Traveling Between Parents During a Divorce

Something that children see quite differently from their parents during a divorce is the traveling from one parent to the other on weekdays/weekends. Many children do this so that they don’t upset their parents, however, some children may prefer to spend longer stretches of time at one home. This is of course because traveling back and forth is difficult, and it also gets in the way of spending time with friends and getting accustomed to one home.

Child Custody Schedule Options

Creating a custody calendar that does not significantly disrupt a child's weekly schedule can help to alleviate the stress that accompanies divorce. There are options that parents have when creating custody schedules that are specifically geared towards making the adjustment from one parent's home to the others easier. For example, these alternatives could place children on a 2-2-5 schedule, wherein after 4 days of alternating parents, the child gets a 5 day stretch of time with one parent.

Divorces wherein parents can reach mutual agreement on child custody tend to have more favorable custody arrangements. Online divorces allow couples to create a variety of favorable child custody schedules, since online divorces are ideally for couples that can reach an agreement without the need of the court.

Conclusion

Your child’s needs should come first when deciding on a custody schedule with your spouse, and due to the “battle” going on between you and your ex-spouse, this can sometimes be an issue. Though you may want to see them as much as possible, creating a child custody schedule that allows your child to maintain a sense of stability is most important.

It is always important to truly know what your child wants, and most importantly, trying to see things from their point of view.

It is highly recommended that you and your ex work as a team throughout your divorce (even if you are separated), as opposed to enemies. This may be hard to do, however, it is the best thing to do for your child and should help reduce the levels of stress significantly. Online divorce is one method to achieve mutual agreement on all aspects of divorce, including child custody.

Source: https://insights.itsovereasy.com/divorce-childs-eyes

7 Little-Known Financial Benefits of Divorce

Divorce is often devastating, but there are a few financial silver linings.

From the cost of the lawyer to the loss of a spouse’s income, divorce often comes at a high price. What’s more, spouses may walk away from the proceedings with significantly fewer assets and retirement savings. That’s not to mention the emotional toll of the process.

“At the end of the day, divorce is terrible,” says David Hays, president of Comprehensive Financial Consultants in Bloomington, Indiana.

However, that doesn’t mean the news is all bad. While not a reason to run out and get a divorce, here’s a look at seven financial benefits that could make a sad situation seem a little better.

1. Easier budgeting and greater control over money. The end of a marriage can mean the end of fights over money. There is no more struggle over which categories get priority in the budget; no more evenings spent cajoling or pleading with a spouse to rein in spending. “On the other side of divorce is some freedom,” says Elijah Kovar, a partner with Great Waters Financial in the Richfield suburb of Minneapolis.

Nancy Hetrick, a senior financial advisor with Better Money Decisions in Phoenix, can attest to that. In the six months after her divorce to a spendthrift husband, she accumulated $20,000 in savings, thanks to her ability to set her own budgeting priorities. Meanwhile, her ex racked up tens of thousands in debt over the same period. “Typically, it’s going to be positive for one person, not the other,” she says.

2. Early access to a retirement fund, penalty-free. A divorce is one of the few times a person can pull money out of a retirement account early and not pay an early withdrawal penalty. When an agreement known as a qualified domestic relations order is reached as part of a divorce, it allows for an early withdrawal from the account. This money is exempt from the typical 10 percent penalty assessed to those younger than age 59 1/2, although income tax still needs to be paid if the money is not rolled into an IRA.

Cashing out part of a retirement account can be a risky move, but it gives the newly divorced some options they may not otherwise have. “You can really get someone in a much better cash-flow position,” Hetrick says of the smart use of that money.

Ric Edelman, founder of Edelman Financial Services, cautions people not to be too hasty about withdrawing money from an account. He notes that sometimes, in amicable divorces, people try to split the balance of a retirement fund without a qualified domestic relations order. That can be an expensive mistake. “Don’t make any decisions without the advice of an attorney and a financial planner,” he says.

Think of it as a financial decision, not an emotional one.

3. Potentially better investment returns. Divorce could mean better investment returns, at least for women, says Mela Garber, principal at accounting firm Anchin Block and Anchin in New York City. “Men usually take a more aggressive approach to investments and take more risks,” she says. Her observation is backed up by studies such as a 2017 analysis by Fidelity Investments that found women were less likely to fully invest in equities and earned marginally better gains than men. After a divorce, women have the opportunity to take over their own retirement planning, which could be a financial positive in the long run.

4. More college financial aid for the kids. Divorce can be difficult for children, but there is one place where they come out ahead: college financial aid. The Free Application for Federal Student Aid only requires financial information from the custodial parent rather than both parents. However, child support and alimony received from the non-custodial parent must be included on the FAFSA. “We’ve structured some really creative settlements to minimize the income of one parent,” Hetrick says. Additional financial aid is a little-known benefit of divorce, but one that is significant.

5. Social Security perks for older divorcees. Divorced spouses may be eligible to file for Social Security spousal benefits at retirement. You’re entitled to these benefits if you were married to your spouse for at least 10 years. “The ex doesn’t even know you’re doing it,” Edelman says. “It doesn’t have an impact on the benefits the ex will receive.”

If you were 62 by Jan. 1, 2016, you can file a restricted application for Social Security spousal benefits once you hit full retirement age. No longer allowed for younger workers, this application will allow you to receive half your spouse’s benefit while you defer your own and let it grow until age 70. For married couples, this only works if a person’s spouse has already started his or her benefit. However, for divorced spouses, the rules are different. “When divorced, you don’t have to wait until your ex turns on Social Security,” Kovar says.

6. Opportunity to reset financial priorities. While people are sometimes resentful of lifestyle changes necessitated by divorce, finance experts say the opportunity to rethink priorities and start fresh can be a positive. Even major adjustments, like giving up a family home, can be beneficial in the long run. “Sometimes it’s financially better to have a smaller house or apartment,” Garber says.

7. A better bottom line. As Hetrick discovered, divorce doesn’t have to mean a depleted bank account. Even on a lower income, divorced people can build wealth by making smart use of their resources.

The reality is not everyone’s financial situation will improve with divorce, but some people are surprised to learn that it does. “One [client] said, I don’t know why I have so much money now,” Hays says.

Getting a divorce isn’t something to rush into, but if you find yourself in the midst of a crumbling marriage, don’t despair. You may still come out ahead thanks to these little-known financial benefits of divorce.

Source: https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/family-finance/articles/2017-09-29/7-little-known-financial-benefits-of-divorce

Eight Tips for Co-parenting Through the School Year After Divorce

Now that the kids are back to school and you have read Back to School Tips for Divorcing Parents, it is time to co-parent during the school year. Through the years of representing parents in custody cases, I have seen many issues arise between parents and I have seen parents find practical solutions for those problems.

I highly encourage parents to find practical solutions when it comes to co-parenting during the school year. Otherwise, you will be in and out of court seeking piecemeal band-aid solutions from a third party and, in the meantime, your child will suffer. The goal is making school go smoothly for your child.

Here are my tips:

1. Familiarize yourself with the electronic communication options with the school. Nowadays, many school districts have online portals with your child’s information. Request two separate logins. If only one login is permitted, share the password with the other parent so you both can receive the information directly. It is better to have equal access than to be responsible for communicating the information directly. This was the other parent is responsible for getting their own information and cannot accuse you of withholding information.
2. Let the teacher know to use both parent’s email addresses when sending out announcements or emails about any concerns they have about your child. Copy the other parent on your communications back to the teacher. I am sure you would likewise want to be copied.
3. Let the other parent know when your child is home sick and whether any make-up work needs to be coordinated.
4. Try to attend parent-teacher conferences together. I understand that sometimes this is not possible because the parents cannot get along well enough to be in the same room and the conference will not be productive. However, if you can, attend the conference together so that both parents can be on the same page and can hear the teacher’s response to each of the parent’s concerns.
5. Use a shared calendar. It can be a google calendar, through Our Family Wizard or any other calendar that works for you. Through the shared calendar you can share information about extracurricular activities and school project deadlines. If you do not have the same weekdays each week you can mark when sneakers are needed for gym class and what day their library book needs to be returned.
6. Discuss school projects and who is going to take the lead on what part of the project. I hear all the time about the lack of coordination and the stress on the child. I recall a situation when a child was returned to her parent on Sunday night with a book report due on Monday. The parent dropped the child off without the book and with the report not done and told the other parent to go buy their own copy. The child suffered the most in this situation.
7. Be proactive. If you see a slip in grades or any other changes in your child that you think may be associated with the situation at home, talk to the school guidance counselor and consider counseling for the child and/or co-parenting counseling for the parents.
8. Take your ego out of it. This is not about you, it is about your child.

It is challenging enough to make sure your children is organized and ready for school when the family is intact. Divorce usually makes it harder. Communication mechanisms are key and hopefully these tips can help too.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/eight-tips-for-co-parenting-through-the-school-year_us_59a95e4ce4b0c50640cd5ebc

How To Divide It All Up?

When my ex-husband and I split in 1994 we were both 26 years old.

I had just taken the CA Bar Exam and was waiting for my results. Despite a lovely (and expensive) wedding fourteen months earlier we thought that cutting our losses, going our separate ways and chalking the whole affair up to a “starter marriage” was likely the best option. Notwithstanding some necessary and sophisticated wedding gifts (which according to Emily Post need not have been returned as we had made it past the one year mark and had already sent literally hundreds of hand written thank you notes), a financed Jeep Wrangler, our Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Raul and a futon that had travelled with me from Berkeley after college, we did not have much in the way of assets to divide. In terms of debt we had some credit cards to pay off and we each took one and the airline mileage plan miles that came with it and called it a day.

Prior to moving out of our rented house in Laurel Canyon we each inventoried the items we wished to take with us to our new, smaller, rental residences. Having taken a community property course in law school and being the daughter of a divorce lawyer I knew a bit about the character of our belongings.

Anything one brings into the marriage (i.e.: my futon) is separate property and stays with the person who brought it.

The separate property characterization also attaches to anything which is given to you alone as a gift, an inheritance or earned after the parties separate but before the division of assets or divorce is final (for example, if parties separate and one party writes a song filled with sorrow, despondence and heartbreak about the breakup that song (melodramatic or not) is separate property and if it hits the Billboard charts the person who wrote it receives the spoils as opposed to the one who inspired it simply based on the timing of when pen was put to paper. In CA, community property is defined as anything produced or procured, during the marriage with funds earned during the period.

So back to the point, how to divvy it all up? In the case of my ex and I, for better or for worse, we didn’t have much. Our bank accounts were sparse and beyond the Jeep we were still paying off, we had no real assets of monetary value. Completion of the necessary court forms on which we listed the few assets we did have didn’t really take specific furniture, furnishings, appliances and personal property into account.

I knew he had his eye on our dining room table and six chairs. I wanted our bed and luxurious Frette sheet set (a wedding gift from one of his parents’ European friends and nothing I was likely to be splurging for on my own anytime in the next decade). We alternated taking turns with our stuff like picking teams for a game at recess. As we chose items we tagged them with post it notes, blue for him, yellow for me so that we could keep track and make it easier for the movers who would be there later that week. Each of us kept our own clothing and jewelry/watches. I kept my mother’s china (which I have still never used) as it fell into the separate property category and we had a minor setback in the amicable division when we came to the fancy espresso machine received as a wedding gift but never used. This was resolved by a coin flip (he won) and double item pick on the next turn by me.

The general rule is that each party receives property valued at the same amount.
List all of the items you are keeping on one side of a balance sheet and all of the items your spouse is keeping on the other (IOE provides our Community Property Balance Sheet as a part of the platform to make it easy) calculate the value of each party’s column and figure out how close to equally you have divided things up. If an adjustment needs to be made you can move an item or two, equalize by a cash payment or….here’s a novel idea…. let it go.
Important to note is that the value of an item is what you could get for it at a garage sale or on Craig’s List not what you paid for it.

I have seen couples take photo/video inventories of their household items, furniture, furnishings, appliances and art and resolve the division that way. Many insurance companies insist that you keep a list of your personal property so that is a good resource as well. Remember, it is just stuff and the vase or candle stick you are fighting for today will likely not bring you nearly as much joy as you think it will. Let it go and buy another, newer, all-your-own version to enjoy. Almost everything is replaceable and with the money you are saving by not having to pay expensive attorneys to write $100 letters regarding $75 dollar decorative pillows you will have more to buy new furnishings.

For one of a kind items like memorabilia, photos and what I call “kid-art” there are amazing replication sites and services where I have seen clients reproduce full photo albums and walls of elementary school art projects. There is no need to fight over these items when you can each have your own version of Madison’s 5th Grade Still Life of Pear, Baguette, Bird and Wine Bottle. Books, DVDs and vinyl – what can I say, do these even get divided anymore in the age of downloading and streaming? If so, same premise, be cool. If you guys do this well, you can always call up and ask to borrow the Metallica, Master of Puppets album later in life.

Source: https://insights.itsovereasy.com/how-to-divide-it-all-up

What Divorced Parents Can Do To Stay Healthy & Optimistic

Being divorced isn’t easy on anyone in the family. It’s likely heartbreaking for all involved and will leave a scar for a long time. This is why it’s so important that you care for yourself and don’t let your wellbeing suffer in the process.

You deserve happiness too and should start realizing this fact today. Give yourself a chance to get back on your feet and then get out there and start meeting your goals one by one. There’s nothing wrong with being apprehensive about what the future holds, but you shouldn’t let it stop you from trying to create a better outlook for yourself.

Find Time for you

Put yourself at the top of your priority list. Even though you have kids, you have to come first during this very difficult time in your life. It’s a huge transition, and you shouldn’t feel bad for being anxious about what the days ahead hold for you. Be sure to exercise daily, eat right and go out and find work that you love doing. You’ll be a better person and parent when you make more time for yourself.

Don’t be Afraid to Date Again

You shouldn’t be afraid to start looking and dating if you’re ready. Get excited about the idea of finding love again. If you’re a guy who has recently found a new girlfriend then check out the site fun attic for cute names to call your girlfriend that she’ll just love. It’s healthy to express your feelings for another person in words and to build a stronger connection with the one you’re dating. Take it slow and remember to protect your heart, but also be open to new possibilities.

Attend to your Mind

During and after a divorce, your mind is probably going nuts. There are so many thoughts and opinions you have on the matter that it’s hard to manage it all. This is why you need to find activities like yoga, meditation and hiking that allow you to attend to your racing thoughts and clear your head. It’s necessary that you spend time working through what’s on your mind and acknowledging your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. If you’re anxious it’s likely because of what you’re thinking, so be smart about getting in front of the emotions before they take over.

Join A Support Group

There are a lot of divorced parents in the world. Don’t think for a second that you’re alone. You may feel like it at the time, but it’s not true. Join a divorce support group to prove yourself wrong and witness how many others are dealing with a similar situation as you. This group will give you a chance to express yourself and connect with others who can share in your pain and provide tips based on their own experience.

Conclusion

Don’t be ashamed if you’re a divorced parent. Look after yourself and get to a better place before you try to tackle other tasks. Practice behaviors that allow you to stay optimistic and see a brighter future for yourself.

Source: http://abcathome.com/wellness/what-divorced-parents-can-do-to-stay-healthy-optimistic/

You Are Divorced and Feeling Lost: 9 Tips for Self-Care

You’ve gone through divorce and it’s natural that you are feeling sad, disappointed, betrayed, or even hopeless. These are the times when everything you hoped for and believed in become lost. You don’t know what to do or what the future will bring. This is a difficult state of limbo that brings out many of our insecurities.

What matters now is that you start taking care of yourself. That may not be what you want to do, but it’s an essential step for your recovery after divorce. The following are basic steps that will help you get going when the going gets tough.

9 Basic Steps to Take While on the Road to Recovery After Divorce.

1. Get Enough Sleep

Sleep is essential for the healthy functioning of both your brain and body in general. All your organs get replenished during sleep, and your brain integrates experiences and learning. During these difficult times, you may have trouble sleeping or you may be inclined to sleep too long during the day. But, in either case, it’s essential to maintain sleep hygiene. In other words, continue going to sleep at the same time you always have and continue maintaining the same conditions in the room where you sleep. Proper sleep will help you heal faster, both emotionally and physically.

2. Get Moving

You can’t stay in the same space if you get moving. No pun intended. What I’m trying to say here is, start exercising. You can’t stay in a gloomy mood if you start exercising. Even if you start doing something physical for five to 10 minutes, it’ll make a difference. I know it’s hard to start something that you really don’t feel like doing. When you are depressed, you really don’t feel like exercising. But this doesn’t need to be a super vigorous workout. Just do something.

Bonus tip: do it outdoors, in the sun, if your health allows. Research shows that spending time outdoors and in the sun has very positive effects on our mood and health in general. Of course, you need to consult your physician if you are not sure if exercising is right for you.

3. Get Going with Routine Daily Activities

Maintaining a regular routine is essential for your recovery. It’s understandable that you may need to take some time off and recover if you feel the need, but continuing to take care of your duties can help you feel normalcy again as time goes by. Having too much time on your hands and not doing anything can lead to deeper depression and the potential for substance abuse or other unhealthy behaviors. Even if you are not working, you can engage in volunteering, hobbies, start your own business, etc.

4. Schedule Time to Wallow in Your Sorrows

This sounds ridiculous, right? Of course, it does. A licensed therapist tells you to indulge in your depressive moods. Well, it’s an effective intervention to help people feel in control of their symptoms. So, go ahead and schedule that time with yourself to just feel sad and sorry. Dwell until you feel bored. Don’t go more than 15 to 20 minutes.

This is very helpful when you feel teary during work for instance. In that moment, you can tell yourself that you have scheduled some time to “dwell.” Thus, you give yourself a chance to honor your grief while continuing with your daily activities, and you feel in charge of your emotions.

5. Schedule Time to Reflect on All the Great Things About Being Single

Every situation in life has the duality of positive vs. negative, grief vs. happiness, loss vs. gain. Being married had its advantages, but you also need to sacrifice for it. Similarly, being single can be seen as advantageous in so many ways. Now is the time when you can do all those things that you didn’t do because you wanted to maintain status quo in your relationship. It’s even possible that you neglected your health, appearance, or values in order to make the relationship work. Now is the time when you can focus on yourself and enjoy the life you couldn’t during your marriage. How about starting by going to a restaurant you didn’t go to because he didn’t like that kind of food. Or, going to museums or exhibits that he was never into? What else can you think of?

6. Reach Out to Your Old Friends

Yes, those ones who you somewhat neglected while you were lost in your relationship. We’ve all been there. We get married, life takes over, and friendships go on the back burner. Still, reach out to your good friends. If they were true friends, they will be there for you and they will understand your preoccupation with family and other obligations. Your friends will be there to bring you ice cream and warm socks if want to just stay in, or they may even drag you out against your will, and it’s going to be good for you.

7. Maintain a Healthy Diet

It’s natural that you will be tempted to reach out for comfort food, but if you give into it for too long, it can lead to negative health consequences. It’s also been shown that processed foods usually affect mood negatively. In order to avoid this, you can surround yourself with healthy options, such as fruits and vegetables. If you have enough fruit around, you can eat it instead of sugary treats. This will help you curb down cravings. It also provides you with the needed nutrients to help you heal and recover faster.

8. Sign Up for Something New

Riding class? Oh, my God! How amazing it is. In spite of the fear of falling, being able to maneuver a beautiful huge animal is so empowering. Even more than that, the connection of being with horses is very healing. They are able to fill you with love and joy.

Not a horse person? No worries. There are so many activities out there, and there are probably things you wanted to do, but never had a chance. This is your chance. Sign up for knitting or a sewing class. Go rock climbing or skydiving. Try meet-up groups. You can find meet-up groups for just about any activity under the sun.

Doing something new rewires your brain. You create new neural pathways, and this is very healing. An added bonus is that you can meet new people while doing these activities. You are starting a new life, and this will help you create new experiences.

9. Be Compassionate Towards Yourself

You are probably not used to it, but now is the time to start. Nurture self-compassion. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to get over your ex quickly. Allow yourself to be in this limbo space and honor your tempo of the grieving process. It’s OK to acknowledge where you are and accept the fact that you are feeling sad, disappointed, betrayed, or hopeless. Only when you are mindful of where you are now can you move on to be where you want to be.

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/you-are-divorced-and-feeling-lost-tips-for-self-care/