How to Stop Obsessing & Start Living When It’s Finally Over

Recovering from a divorce or break up is never easy. Try these 12 tips to shift your mind-set from starting over to rocking on.

When a marriage finally ends and both husband and wife have signed divorce papers on the dotted line, something counter-intuitive happens.

There is feeling of soaring release, followed by a crash back down to Earth concluding in a hollow echoing sound of “Now what? I am ecstatic to be divorced — why do I feel so damn depressed?”

Starting from scratch in our 30s, 40s or 50s is not what any of us signed up for when we rented the beautiful catering hall and sent out wedding invitations. We mourned the demise of our relationship with our spouse as it was happening — during couples counseling sessions, while crying alone in bed at night when he or she moved into a separate bedroom, and through so many other difficult — if not brutal — times.

Then the divorce starts — and it takes more concentrated adrenaline, focus and brain-power than most of us have ever before used in our lives. It isn’t until that process ends that anyone can afford to stand back and look at the wreckage of the dream we thought we were walking down the aisle toward.

Next to the word “surreal” in the dictionary, there could easily be a picture of a newly divorced mind’s inner-workings.

This shock-and-awe doesn’t have to last forever. Here are 12 effective ways to shift your mind-set past the post-divorce blues.

1. Speak your truth.
In most unhealthy marriages, at some point one or both of you shut down. You stopped communicating what you really felt — about everything. Now is the time to start stretching those trust muscles. Trust yourself to know what you believe, feel what you feel, and express yourself openly with kindness.

2. Stop acting so surprised.
When your ex sends you a nasty message about your parenting, is it really a surprise?
When you realize that 25 year-old woman was just looking for a few free drinks for herself and friends, is it really surprise?

When the guy who said he will never cheat on anyone again cheats on you, is it really a surprise?

You’ve been living in the real world for awhile now. Stop feigning surprise and make decisions based on what you can most likely expect.

3. Figure out who you are — for now.
The idea that you should take time for yourself before you get involved with anyone else is a false premise (in my mostly-humble opinion).

Our personalities, interests, careers, needs, and wants stay in constant flux throughout our lifetime. Getting in touch with yourself is not a one shot deal, but rather a lifetime practice that you will need in times when you are single, and times when you are coupled. Look inward, but don’t keep your nose in there too long or you might get stuck.

4. If the idea excites you, try it!
A divorce is one of the single most frightening experiences anyone can endure, and you endured it! (If yours isn’t final, I promise that at some point it will actually be over, impossible as that may seem.) What could you possibly be afraid of now? There is a good chance that your marriage didn’t succeed because you entered it seeking to make the “right” choices, rather than the choices that spoke to the core of your soul.

So stop it. Stop looking for the safe, the secure and the correct life path and take on those challenges and opportunities that make you hum with satisfaction and pride.

5) Let it go.
There things about my former marriage that I could still complain about. I can pretty much guarantee that won’t change anything that’s happened — or improve my life in any way at all.

When I think of closure, I imagine my computer’s home screen with a zillion tabs open, making it difficult to find and access the specific tab I need most immediately. Many of these tabs are open only because I might forget them if I let them drop. When I think about it, I realize that if I never find that closed tab again, I didn’t need it in the first place. Start closing the tabs in your mind that relate to resentments from your marriage. If you really need them, you can access them later. Most likely, you’ll feel more streamlined and effective.

6) Own your mistakes. And stop owning the mistakes other’s attempt to cast off on you.
I’m sure you’ve heard that women apologize more often necessary. In working with divorcing individuals, I find the same is true of men.

Most people who have been on the receiving end of abuse or manipulation have apologized not only for their own less than ideal moments, but for those of their partner for the sake of keeping — or regaining — the peace. Owning responsibility for your errors is a crucial part of being a healthy person. Keep that up! But you don’t need to apologize for something that you did not do, say, cause, think, express, or manifest in any other way.

7) Release the idea of staying friends with those who have grown distant.
Unfortunately, this urban legend of divorce holds true: once their divorce is final, many people find themselves quickly and silently abandoned by friends they thought would stick by them until the end. I have yet to understand why, but humans are sometimes nasty animals and your time is far better spent seeking out people who get you than trying to understand those who dropped you when you needed them most.

Allow yourself to mourn the loss, which is often much more painful than the loss of the marriage itself, and accept that you have no power to change anyone else’s lack of empathy, humanity or reliability.

8) Find a virtual community.
It would be ideal if we could snap our fingers and find a local group of brand new friends with plenty of free time to hang out, bond, and play as we set out on the Yellow Brick Road of life as a divorced single. Unfortunately, real life makes it hard to find a new, solid group of local friends once your kids are past elementary school age without an extremely concerted effort.

In the more immediate present, make the most of social media and Internet-based opportunities to reconnect with old friends, meet and chat with others in the same life stage, and share discussions based around your interests. You will not only meet some amazing people you would otherwise never have encountered, you will likely think of new local connections as well.

9) Figure out what makes you laugh and do that.
For me, it is Louis CK, ridiculous YouTube videos, silly memes and — strange as it seems even to me — some of my kids’ favorite TV shows. You know what hits your personal funny bone. Watch, read or do it A LOT.

10) Cut the crap about being SO old.
If I hear one more person in their 40’s or 50’s tell me “I’m just soooo old now,” I may just flip my junk. We are not old people! Keep telling yourself that, and you will become so. Keep telling others you are, and they will believe so. I would prefer to stay young and be seen that way. Trite as it sounds, this one actually is a state of mind.

11) Date! Have sex! Get out there!
You may not ever want to get married again. You may not feel you can trust yourself, let alone anyone else, but so what? What’s the worst that could happen to you next? Another divorce? OK.

We end an unhealthy marriage so that we could lead a more healthy and satisfying life. We are social beings. Even introverts do best with at least some human contact — both physical and emotional — with others. I wish it were possible to find love and companionship without risking getting hurt, but I haven’t figured out how to make that so.

Men can hurt you. Women can hurt you. Children can hurt you. Lovers, friends, business associates, strangers — we are all walking potential land mines. Bummer, I know, but oh well. Staying alone in your shell is never going to change any of that or make it better, but finding some good friends — and maybe even a life partner — can sure make it all feel a lot more worthwhile.

12) Allow yourself your feelings. Just not 24/7/365.
A client recently told me her therapist reminds her frequently to “Stop being a Debbie Downer and be a Penny Positive instead!” I may appear cynical, but I almost tossed my non-fat latte.

Whether you were the one to file for divorce or the one who didn’t want it, no one gets through even the most amicable divorce unscathed emotionally. If you stuff down your despair all the time and for everyone, including yourself, you will leave your emotions with nowhere to go other than headed toward Complete Melt-Down Road.

Just don’t let yourself feel it all the time or you spiral down farther than you ever could have imagined it possible to go. When you find yourself over-thinking, over-napping, or over-Netflixing, accept your real need to rest your emotional energy, and give yourself reasonable parameters for how long you will let yourself veg out before you make yourself get up and do at least one productive activity.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/12-ways-to-win-at-life-after-divorce-ajrt/

Optimism bias: Why the young and the old tend to look on the bright side

Optimism bias: Why the young and the old tend to look on the bright side

We all like to think of ourselves as rational creatures who smartly prepare for the worst. We watch our back, weigh the odds and pack an umbrella when the skies look threatening. But although we take such precautions, we generally expect things to turn out pretty well — often better than they actually do.

The belief that the future will probably be much better than the past and present is known as the optimism bias, and most of us have this tendency to overestimate the likelihood of good events happening to us and underestimate the likelihood that bad events will come crashing down.

For instance, people hugely underestimate their chances of losing their job or being diagnosed with cancer. They also envision themselves achieving more than their peers and overestimate their likely life span, sometimes by 20 years or more.

In short, we are often more optimistic than realistic.

Take marriage, for example. In the Western world, divorce rates are higher than 40 percent: Two out of five marriages end in divorce. But newlyweds estimate their own likelihood of divorce at zero. Even divorce lawyers, who should know better, hugely underestimate their own likelihood of divorce. Although the sunniest optimists are just as likely to divorce as the next person, they are also more likely to remarry. In the words of the 18th-century English author Samuel Johnson, “Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”


Karl A. Pillemer, a Cornell gerontologist, used the wisdom of crowds — more than 1,000 Americans aged 65 and over — to glean material for his book “30 Lessons in Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.’’ Here are 12 of his tips.

Many of us who have children believe that our kids will be especially talented, even while thinking our neighbor’s kids aren’t all that promising. A survey conducted in 2007 on behalf of the BBC found that 93 percent of respondents were optimistic about the future of their own family, while only 17 percent were optimistic about the future of other families. Collectively, we can grow pessimistic — about the future of our fellow citizens, about the direction of our country, about the ability of our leaders to improve education and reduce crime — while we continue to think our own future is bright.

Why does optimism about our personal future remain incredibly resilient? It is not that we think things will magically turn out okay for us, but rather that we believe we have the unique abilities to make it so.

The rosy future
Optimism starts with what may be the most extraordinary of human talents: mental time travel, the ability to move back and forth through time and space in one’s mind. To think positively about our prospects, it helps to be able to imagine ourselves in the future. Our capacity to envision a different time and place is critical for our survival. It allows us to plan ahead, to save food and resources for times of scarcity, and to endure hard work in anticipation of a future reward.

While mental time travel has clear survival advantages, conscious foresight came to humans at an enormous price — the understanding that death awaits. The knowledge that old age, sickness, decline of mental power and oblivion are somewhere around the corner can be devastating.

Ajit Varki, a biologist at the University of California at San Diego, argues that the awareness of mortality on its own would have led evolution to a dead end. The despair would have interfered with our daily function, bringing the daily activities needed for survival to a stop. The only way that conscious mental time travel could have arisen is if it emerged along with irrational optimism. The knowledge of death had to emerge in parallel with the persistent ability to picture a bright future.

The capacity to envision that future relies partially on the hippocampus, a brain structure that is crucial to memory. People with damage to the hippocampus are unable to recollect the past; they are also unable to construct detailed images of future scenarios. The rest of us constantly voyage back and forth in time; we might be thinking of a conversation we had with our spouse yesterday and then immediately jump to our dinner plans for later tonight.
But the brain doesn’t travel in time randomly. It tends to engage in specific types of thoughts: We consider how well our kids will do in life, how we will obtain that desired job, whether our team will win, and we look forward to an enjoyable night on the town. We also worry about losing loved ones, failing at our job or dying in a plane crash. But research shows that most of us spend less time mulling over negative outcomes than we do over positive ones. When we do contemplate defeat and heartache, we tend to focus on how these can be avoided.

Why do we maintain this rosy bias even when information challenging our upbeat forecasts is so readily available? We experience both positive and negative events in our lives. We know the economy is unstable, for example, but still we remain optimistic about our own future. When expectations are not met, we alter them. This should eventually lead to sober realism, not blind optimism.

Underestimating bad news
Only recently have we been able to decipher this mystery. My colleagues and I at University College London recently scanned the brains of people as they processed both positive and negative information about the future.

Among other things, we asked them to estimate how likely they were to encounter 80 different negative events in their life, including developing cancer, having Alzheimer’s disease and being robbed.

We then told them the likelihood that a person like them would suffer these misfortunes; for example, the lifetime risk of cancer is about 30 percent. Then we asked again: How likely are you to suffer from cancer? We wanted to know if people would change their beliefs according to the information we provided. It turns out they did, but mostly when the information we gave them was better than they had expected.

If someone had estimated that their risk of cancer was 50 percent and we told them, “Good news: The average likelihood is much better, only 30 percent,” the next time around they would say, “You know what? Maybe my likelihood is only 35 percent.” So they learned easily and quickly.

However, if someone started off estimating their cancer risk was 10 percent and we told them, “Bad news: The average likelihood is about 30 percent,” they would scale up only gradually. The next time, they might say that their likelihood of contracting cancer was only 11 percent. It is not that they did not learn at all. They simply decided that the figures we provided were not pertinent to them.

Where do these irrational beliefs come from? This disconnect is related to something scientists call prediction errors, which describe the difference between what you expect and what actually happens.

When we gave our research volunteers information about future likelihoods (such as contracting cancer), we scanned their brains looking for changes that might relate to the gap between their estimates and the information they received.

A few brain areas, including the left inferior frontal gyrus 1, responded to unexpected good news. For example, when someone thought his likelihood of cancer was 50 percent and we told him it was only 30 percent, this region responded fiercely.

On the other side of the brain, the right inferior frontal gyrus responded to unexpected bad news. But it did not do a very good job. In fact, the more optimistic a person was, the less this region seemed to process bad news. If your brain is failing to respond to unexpected bad news, you are constantly wearing rose-tinted glasses.

These findings are striking: When people learn, their neurons encode desirable information that can enhance optimism, but the neurons fail at incorporating unexpectedly undesirable information. When we hear a success story such as that of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, our brains take note of the possibility that we, too, may become immensely successful and rich one day. But hearing that the odds of divorce are almost one in two tends not to make us think that our own marriage may be destined to fail.

Does age matter?
Does everyone show an optimistic bias? As it turns out, they do. In an as yet unreleased study, my colleagues and I found that people of all age groups changed their beliefs more in response to good news, and they discounted bad news.

Even more surprising was the finding that kids and elderly people both showed more of a bias than college students. On one hand, the young and the old were quite good at responding to desirable information: Everyone updated their beliefs similarly when they learned they were less likely to get cancer or have their credit card stolen than they had initially believed. But when they learned their chances were worse than expected, kids, teenagers and older adults seemed to ignore this information more than college students and middle-aged individuals.

The behavioral economist Andrew Oswald has found that from about the time we are teenagers, our sense of happiness starts to decline, hitting rock bottom in our mid-40s. (Middle-age crisis, anyone?) Then our sense of happiness miraculously starts to go up again rapidly as we grow older. This finding contradicts the common assumption that people in their 60s, 70s and 80s are less happy and satisfied than people in their 30s and 40s.

How can we explain this? The first thing that comes to mind is that these changes have something to do with raising kids in our 30s and 40s. Could it be that having children in the household has a negative influence on our happiness?

Oswald ruled out this possibility. He also controlled for people being born in better times, marital status, education, employment status, income: The age pattern persisted. Even more surprising, the pattern held strong even though Oswald did not control for physical health. In other words, older individuals are happier and more satisfied than middle-aged individuals even though the health of the former is generally worse.

Oswald tested half a million people in 72 countries, in both developing and developed nations. He observed the same pattern across all parts of the globe and across sexes. Happiness diminishes as we transition from childhood to adulthood and then starts rising as we grow wrinkles and acquire gray hair.

And it’s not only we humans who slump in the middle and feel sunnier toward the end. Just recently, Oswald and colleagues demonstrated that even chimpanzees and orangutans appear to experience a similar pattern of midlife malaise.

Oswald did observe some interesting differences. For one, the age at which happiness is at its lowest is different around the world. In Britain, for example, happiness reaches rock bottom quite early — at 35.8 years of age — before it starts going up again. In Italy, by contrast, happiness hits its ultimate low much later — at 64.2 years. And while women reach the bottom of the happiness barrel at 38.6 years on average, men reach it more than a decade later — at 52.9 years.

(Oswald observed another interesting divergence in happiness trends: Americans have been growing less happy since 1900. In Europe, however, happiness has been increasing steadily since 1950, after 50 years of decline. Why the difference? We simply don’t know.)
What explains the age findings? One possible answer is that happy people live longer, while pessimistic ones die earlier, so those elderly individuals who remain for scientists to test are happier than the average 30- or 40-year-old.

Another possibility is that older individuals have experienced a larger range of adverse events, so they are less likely to view these events as frightening and consequential; thus, their psychological coping mechanisms may be better.

A third potential explanation is that the decreased ability in older adults to take bad news into account may be enhancing their optimism and thus increasing their happiness. The decline may be connected with age-related changes in frontal lobe function, which is important for incorporating new information into prior beliefs.

The sun will shine
Why would our brains be wired in a way that makes us prone to optimistic illusions? It is tempting to speculate that optimism was selected by evolution precisely because, on balance, positive expectations enhance the odds of survival.

Research findings that optimists live longer and are healthier, along with the fact that most humans display optimistic biases — and emerging data that optimism is linked to specific genes — all strongly support this hypothesis.

But the optimism bias also protects and inspires us: It keeps us moving forward, rather than to the nearest high-rise ledge. To make progress, we need to be able to imagine alternative realities, and not just any old reality but a better one; and we need to believe that we can achieve it. Such faith helps motivate us to pursue our goals.

Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/optimism-bias-why-the-young-and-the-old-tend-to-look-on-the-bright-side/2012/12/28/ac4147de-37f8-11e2-a263-f0ebffed2f15_story.html?utm_term=.9e809d664572

Take Action, Feel Better, use the placebo if you have to

When we're in the midst of a challenging time, when we don't know which way to turn or are losing heart, it feels as though control is taken away from us. At these times, I've been experimenting with forcing myself to take action, even feeding my mind a notional placebo if needed to send the message that in taking action I am giving it permission to feel better. 

Sometimes the placebo effect is a powerful one; it aligns our minds to the process of growth, healing and improvement whcih will allow us to move forwards positively with expectations of success. 

Try it!

If you're interested in learning more, and hearing thoughts on other ways in which we can tackle adversity and rise above challenge, I'd love to share with you my new podcast: Kintsugi Life.

You can access the latest episode and all previous ones on iTunes, at:

http://bit.ly/kintsugi-life

The Ugly Truth About Blended Families

Born of grief and tinged with failure, blended families are messy, and complicated, and exhausting.

Last night, as we settled into bed with a glass of wine, my husband shared that my son Caden had recently hurt his feelings. He’d planned an outing he thought my son would like, and Caden’s response was lukewarm.

We’re not new to this experience. Married for the second time later in life, with six children between us, we are often navigating tricky stepfamily terrain. Divided loyalties and missed connections and hurt feelings are standard stuff around here.

Still, my husband was particularly discouraged.

“It feels like nobody wants this blended family we’re working so hard to build,” Gabe said. I have often felt the same way.

We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning working through the problem and identifying ways we could each better connect with the other’s children. We talked about parenting style and discipline and expectations. We talked about stepfamily dynamics and coparenting and child development. We finally fell asleep sometime after 4 a.m.

This morning I woke up knowing my husband was right. No one wants to be in this blended family.

The truth is no one wants to be in a blended family. Born of grief and tinged with failure, blended families are messy, and complicated, and exhausting.

The children didn’t choose this family.

Our household is louder and noisier than it ever would be with three children. Our blended family reduces the attention each child gets. Attention that used to be theirs alone is now divided between them, new stepsiblings and a new adult love.

A stepparent brings new expectations and unfamiliar traditions and habits. A stepparent is a living, breathing grief trigger; an adult whose very presence reminds the child that their biological parents are no longer together. How children feel about the stepparent themselves is a catch-22 of overwhelming proportions: loving them presents loyalty issues with one parent, hating them loyalty issues with the other. The child is trapped in a loyalty bind at seemingly every turn.

A blended family also includes a host of extended family. Extended family that try to include the new partner and children or include the exes or all of the above. Extended family that rushes in with love and attention or stays away for fear of scaring children off. All of it well-intentioned and born of love, and all of it can sometimes feel wrong.

Imagine a child has been given a puzzle to assemble, with a pretty picture on the box. Then, we give the child a handful of extra pieces. Make it work, we tell them. The picture on the box is different from what you have now. Figure it out, it can still be fun.

What child would choose that?

Adults are often wildly unprepared for stepfamily life.

First-family examples surround us, but first-family strategies don’t work in blended families. Studies continually show that stepfamilies who begin their life together with a romantic, first-family approach fail.

The trouble is, adults in blended families typically have only first-family experience. Their friends and extended family have first-family expectations. Movies and books and magazines overwhelmingly tell first-family stories and give first-family advice. We want the first-family fairytale.

Resources for blended families are scarce and the stakes are high.

Adults in stepfamilies are instantly parenting unfamiliar, uncomfortable children ― uncomfortable children related to a person they love deeply. The children have divided loyalties, and the stepparent’s role is nuanced and complex. Intimacy between people takes a long time, and is built over repeated interactions, and develops at its own pace. It can be incredibly frustrating even in healthy relationships between two adults. It can feel impossible between an adult and an unrelated child.

Adults in blended families are given a puzzle too. Their puzzle is missing pieces and has extra pieces from a different set and if you try to assemble it to fit the pretty picture on the cover you are likely to fail. The challenge is to make a new picture with what you’ve been given, smoothing out the bumps and forced pieces as you go. What adult would choose that?

Marrying with children is “a feat of brazen, unadulterated hope.”
Hope. Hope is what kept Gabe and I talking until 4 a.m. Hope that we can keep working together and build a family that is a safe space for our children and for each other. Hope that our love and partnership will be an example for them as they grow. Hope that the children we love wildly will one day be able to freely accept that love, feeling it deep in their bones. Hope that this difficult journey we’re on together will eventually be just the start of our story. Hope that our puzzle, as messy and complicated as it seems now with the frame barely constructed, will one day be a picture we all appreciate.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-ugly-truth-about-blended-families_us_589363b6e4b0b4d609210569

10 Reasons to stay positive after a divorce

Make lemonade out of lemons

Life during and after a divorce can be crippling, but there are many reasons to stay positive. Psychologist Michael Jolkovski posed the question to me: Why should there be any trouble holding one's head up after a divorce? 'Shame is a big part of why divorce is always more painful and disruptive than anyone anticipates,' Jolkovski points out. 'At some level, a divorce feels like a giant failure in one of the biggest projects in life.' It takes a lot of emotional work to get through these feelings and to feel better again. But, we believe in you. You can do it. Read 10 reasons why you should stay positive after a divorce -- they may help you along the way...

10. What is Marriage, Anyway?
"I would encourage your readers to reflect on how they built up their understanding of what a marriage is. This begins very early in childhood, in play with dolls and drawings and make-believe with friends, which often center on some notion of family," Jolkovski explains. "These notions are running quietly in the background in adults as unconscious assumptions, which can have a brutal collision with adult reality. This reality includes facts of life such as that people come to marriage with wildly differing understandings of what it is all about; that we cannot make anyone love us, no matter how wonderful we try to be, and that none of us has that much control over the way life plays out." Instead of focusing on the failed marriage, Jolkovski suggests to realize your resilience and flexibility.

9. You Did Something for You
Peggie Arvidson has been divorced twice, and she admits it's not easy. "I guess the best reason for holding your head up, though, is knowing that you did something for you. Not in the selfish, 'It's all about me' way or in the way of making him a bad guy and you look like the victim, but rather I could hold my head up knowing that I had done a lot of inner work to make a decision that was harder than most people think and I was going to honor me," she explains. Arvidson also points out that in the process, you'll come to trust yourself more, realize that you're strong enough to take a stand, and understand that you learned something along the way.

8. Your License to Reinvent
Faith McKinney, who's been divorced twice and has been remarried now for seven years, thinks the new start is a positive change. "The great thing about divorce is that it is a license to reinvent yourself without your ex-husband's input or criticism," she explains. "I learned to trust myself and that it's OK to enjoy myself." McKinney began to make mistakes without fear of reprisal or retaliation. "Even though it is very difficult emotionally, financially and socially, I survived. Twice."
7. Anything is Possible
For Emma, blogger of DivorcedBefore30.com, the divorce gave her a sense of invincibility. "You'll have good days and atrociously bad days, but on the good days, you'll see that anything is possible," she explains. "People are, for the most part, gracious. You will have fun again as soon as you give yourself permission to let go."

6. Here's to Good Family and Friends
Don't forget about the people on your team! "Your friends and family will be there to help you pick up the pieces -- let them," Emma advises. The love will have your head up in no time. You just have to stop and smell the roses (and by "smell the roses," we mean recognize the people that love you).

5. Looking Good
For those getting divorced, a transformation is inevitable -- that's something to look forward to, according to Andrea Gross, lifestyle coach who's writing a book called, When You're Ready. She's happily divorced and has never been happier. "There were days and even weeks and months that I could barely function. Now, only one year later, I look and feel better than I did 10 years ago." People ask Gross what her secrets are, and that is the reason she started her practice. The secret? "I have found inner happiness and strength -- I am my authentic, sexy, confident self again."

4. Letting Go
It's grand -- it really is. "If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger -- it's self-destructive. Let go," says Tina Tessina, a.k.a. "Dr. Romance" and a licensed psychotherapist. "Do your grieving, cry, write in your journal and talk about it alone or with a trusted friend." You can even have a fun "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life, she suggests.

3. Relief
For Ron Thomson, who has been divorced twice with no animosity, fighting or children, believes one reason to keep your head up is because of relief. Although both of his ex-wives were the ones who initiated the breakup and wanted the divorce, Thomson did keep his head up. "Whatever problems we were experiencing are now over," he recalls. "It hits you later that your family is gone and you are alone." At either case, you get to start over again, Thomson points out. "To me the women lost out on a good man. That's a good reason to hold your head up," he adds.

2. When You Put Your Kids First
Sometimes taking the higher road is another way to keep your head up. Don't be negative -- think of the transition for the kids. "You can keep your head up if you manage to put your own needs aside for the kids. I don't mean stay married, but, during divorce and beyond, put the kids first," says Lauren Whitman, author of Austin's Best Idea Ever. "When my (now) husband and I were first together, he missed his daughter terribly. I encouraged him to stay in touch with his daughter daily and to tell her that he loved her often. I think he felt supported in keeping that connection strong since I took that position."

1. Look to the Future
Alicia Rinaldi, a family attorney who has also had to mediate in a multitude of family law matters, reminds us not to forget about what's to come. "I'm not a trained therapist or social worker, but I try to encourage my clients to see past the present so that together we can get them to a better place in the future," she says. "While the stress of experiencing a divorce or strife in your family life is certainly great, keeping an eye towards the future helps put things in perspective so that setbacks don't derail the case."

The transition of divorce can be extremely rewarding -- being in a toxic relationship can stifle a person's dreams and expressions, but separation from it can also be a stepping stone to teach you what you need out of a partner, and what you want out of life.

Source: http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813740/10-reasons-to-stay-positive-after-a-divorce-1

Keeping Cool During Divorce

Every divorce has different circumstances, but the emotional toll of the process is something that will be felt by everyone. This can lead to tempers flaring, angry outbursts, feeling lost, depression or any number of strong feelings that may cloud your ability to keep a level head throughout the long and arduous litigation. It is very important that you don’t let raw emotion lead you into doing something rash that may hurt your side in court, and here are a few things to remember about keeping your composure at the toughest of times.

Keep a Positive Outlook
A divorce is one the most stressful situations in a person’s life, and it can be very difficult to remain positive. Marriages require the mutual agreement of two people, but it only takes one to decide they want a divorce. This can be particularly hard if you were not the one to make this choice, and with all of the destructive stereotypes associated with divorce, it is easy to become bogged down in all of that negativity.

Maintaining an optimistic perspective may sound cliche, but it is key to getting through the process. It is important to remember that everyone has their faults and it is not singularly you or your spouse alone that caused the end of the marriage. Consider the divorce as a life lesson, not a synonym for failure, and know that it is possible to move forward with dignity and still find happiness.

Many feel like getting the divorce finalized as soon as possible, regardless of any long-term sacrifices they make in doing so, is the only way to move forward with their life. Samuel Sorensen, a divorce attorney from the Salt Lake City office, said this attitude can force people to lose sight of the future.

“I try to give the client a perspective on how they will think in five years or when they are remarried, and what they wish they would have done in their divorce,” Sorensen said. “I see many clients come in 5-15 years after their divorce and they are still paying alimony and did not get to see their kids as much as they wanted to. I try to relate those stories to my current clients. It helps them see beyond the current situation.”

Focusing on the new and exciting aspects of getting a fresh start to life instead of dwelling on the past is one of the hardest, but most important steps in seeing things through a positive light.

The Scapegoat
During the divorce proceedings, it will often feel easier to roll over and agree with whatever terms the opposing party is putting forward instead of getting in a bitter argument over details that aren’t in your favor. This attitude can lead to blindly signing unfair terms, purely to avoid confrontation. Jamie Kinkaid, a Cordell and Cordell Attorney based in Omaha, said he keeps a “blame me” policy open with his clients for everything that might lead to conflict.
“Many clients find it easier to simply agree and not ‘rock the boat,’” Kinkaid said. “For instance, if it came to alimony and the wife earns 10 times as much as the husband, but the husband really does not want to argue with the wife, he can ‘blame me’ in asking for alimony. He can ‘blame me’ for discovery. He can ‘blame me’ for doing my due diligence.”

Most attorneys will have no problem being the “bad guy,” particularly in the tougher aspects of the divorce, such as settlement negotiations. They are there to be an advocate for you and get the best arrangement possible, but they cannot do their job if you simply sign agreements to avoid hostility.

Therapists
Meeting regularly with a professional therapist can be a very beneficial way to help regain confidence and find a positive direction, despite the common societal view held by men that opening up about your emotions is an embarrassing sign of weakness. However, that doesn’t stop some from unloading everything they are feeling during meetings with their lawyer. Sorensen said this is not inherently a bad thing, but it can be expensive and there are situations where he would suggest seeking professional help.

“Many times, I will just let them talk, because they just want someone to listen. I don’t mind being the sounding board for my clients and listening; although, it can get quite costly for them depending on how long they talk,” Sorensen said. “However, in some situations, when the client either continues to talk about the same issues over and over or I get concerned about some of the things they are saying [such as] violence against themselves or another, distorted views of reality, etc., I will strongly recommend that they utilize a counselor or therapist.”

While seeking a professional can be very beneficial for dealing with the stress and emotional toll of divorce, take into consideration that it can help or hurt your divorce proceedings depending on where you live. Therapists’ records are discoverable in some states, meaning they could be detrimental or embarrassing depending on what was discussed if they are brought up in court. Attorneys can also recommend seeking a professional counselor in situations where their client has been accused of emotional or psychological abuse to show the court they are working on the problem. Either way, it is probably best to ask your attorney’s advice before seeking out a therapist to ensure it doesn’t hurt your case.

Keeping cool during the divorce and maintaining an optimistic outlook is very important for getting through, and beyond, the proceedings. It may feel crushingly oppressive at times, but the world will continue to turn, there is still plenty to enjoy and much greater happiness to find. Keeping control of your emotions instead of giving in to reckless action will help you avoid unnecessary problems and have a better perspective after everything is over.

Source: https://mensdivorce.com/keeping-cool-divorce/

Optimism in the Wake of a Divorce

It’s difficult to believe that it’s been over a decade since my twenty- three year marriage ended. I hadn’t really thought much about it for quite some time, but the recent survey that states marriages are in decline reminded me of those last few stressful years before I waved the white flag and called it quits. I didn’t like the message I was sending to my children in the decision I made. I felt like I was telling them that commitment meant very little to me and nothing is forever. And I didn’t want my experience to keep them from falling in love in the future. Yet, getting out of a bad marriage overrode those concerns.

I was young when I married, but no less sincere in my intentions. Both his and my parents stayed married till death did they part so I believed it would be the same for us. Over time, though, it became apparent that was not to be. Where was that young man — that very young man—who traveled close to 400 miles every weekend to see me? Where was that young woman—that very young woman — who once had no idea how she’d ever get by without him? It’s difficult to say exactly when, but the hope I had for racking up one anniversary after the next till we were silver-haired, wrinkled and hunched over was lost in the reality of what time can do to young, hopeful love. But I’m apparently not alone, since divorce is becoming more common than those ‘til-death-do-us-part vows. There are many reasons for this development; we are living longer and most women do not need to be supported by a man or feel obligated to create a family.

Yet, there are those who are still grasping onto the same ambition I once had and willing to take that optimistic stroll down the aisle. Apparently, the high divorce rates haven’t frightened them from wanting to make the marital commitment. For instance, in spite of Prince William’s parents’ bitter break-up played out ubiquitously in the media, he has plans to marry. And, as it happens, my daughter recently became engaged and I couldn’t be happier for her and her fiancé. I’m also grateful that even after witnessing the drama her father and I went through when we divorced, my daughter still believes in the institution. I suppose that is what love can do and instead of considering marriage to be a burden, no matter the challenges or issues, it is an expression of optimism.

For me, though, I think I’ll remain single.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/carol-hoenig/optimism-in-the-wake-of-a_b_790085.html